Saturday, September 29
Things I've Learned Along the Way
29 is not that old, and to be honest I don't feel old. I feel like I am just beginning, if that makes sense. It feels like all of the life I have lived up 'til now, was just preparing me for the life I have before me. I made me better, more strong...more soft.
I am the poster-gal for "everything happens for a reason", OK not "poster gal" but I think everyone who knows me knows those are the words I live by. I am not a conclusion-jumper, I am an "OK this happened, now let's see what comes next". Honestly I wasn't always like that. I have learned the value of trust and patience, both of which are hard lessons.
Just when I think I have it all figured out, it becomes quite evident that I'm wrong. Sometimes changes take place in a quiet, suggestive manner, and sometimes they smack you upside the head. Sometimes it takes a good smack to get me to slow down. When seemingly "big" changes, or life changes, take place I recite a childhood line in my head, "Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet". I have never told anyone that. Sometimes I wonder if He ever is really "finished"? If given the open heart and open mind, could we just keep getting better? I think so.
Settling is not for me. I want to be better, stronger, smarter...but sometimes I get lazy and I just want it to be easy. Why can't it be? Maybe it could be easier if I would just accept things that come my way and "go with the flow", but I just can't. I'm not wired that way. I'm a mover, I try to make things happen..but there's that "patience" thing again. It sneaks up on me in a way that only something deep, down inside me can. Something that knows my heart and knows my will, and knows that a slow-down is the best answer.
If you sit still life has a way of walking all over you. It does. I learned rather recently that if I am just "here", not being very assertive, then life goes on. With me or without me, things run smoothly. I get very offended when I think about that. It actually hurts my feelings, because I want to make a difference. I don't want attention, I don't want recognition, I want to help. I want to lay in bed at night and be proud of the decisions I made that day and confident that I did something good.
There are a million things I "should have" done. Even right now, I should be doing something else. Something productive, but this is my opportunity. This might be the only one I get today to clearly state how I feel. To know how I feel. I grew up with the intention of going to vet school. That was supposed to be my path, but I chose a much windier road. Maybe I should have gone to vet school. Maybe I should have been something, anything else. Would I be here now? Maybe in an office, or on a big comfy chair typing away. Would I be thinking the same things? I'd venture not. All that I have done has lead me to today. I don't live in the past, I live for my family. I live for the opportunity to make a better life. I live for every "oh well" that happens after a new experience doesn't work out. I will not be ruled by "what if's".
Lately I have had an unsettling feeling that maybe this isn't my landing spot. Maybe it's just a chapter, in what I'm convinced will be, a very dramatic book. There's no way to know. That's the thing of it, every second is so uncertain. Trust and have patience, because God is far from being finished.
Love bigger than life,