I have been holding out on you, and for that I am sorry.
Lately there have been a lot of things going on and I haven't felt like I could really talk about them until now. So, if you're up to it, here it is...
About 2 months(maybe 3) ago I made a decision, and as a result of that decision I cried for 2 weeks straight. No lie. Sobbing.
I decided that I was going to dust off my resume, beef it up a bit, and start looking for a new job. Maybe this wouldn't be something you would cry about, but you are not me and you should be glad for that. I cried because it was as if my best friend, a part of the center of my universe, had moved away and I was saying goodbye. It still pulls so relentlessly at my heart, even thinking about it.
So why leave if it's so hard?
Good question. I don't want to, but I have to. I'm not being asked to, haven't been fired...but I was told to "quit" on a couple of occasions after questioning some decisions. That's me. I tend to question things. If you don't like being questioned by an educated woman then you don't deserve me or my hard work and dedication. Truth.
Why this is so hard...
Imagine the roots running underneath this entire farm, grass roots, crop roots, tree roots, now imagine them with blood running through them. That's where I am. That is my blood. That is what this place means to me. These cows are my cows..to me. Only in reality they aren't. I have poured everything into the last five years here and have no real ownership...other than what my imagination allows. So I don't own the cows, big deal right? When you realize that you are progressing backward instead of forward, it is a big deal. When it is brought to your attention that all of the cows could be sold out from under you all at once, it is a big deal. The overall lack of 'say-so' is the most unfair deal of all.
So why do you want to stay?
Because of the dark, starry sky in the morning. Because sometimes the barn cats meet me in the road, and my blind dog runs into the back of my leg out of excitement for the day. Because of the tremendous racket that 40 hungry calves make before I feed them, and the dead silence of full bellies after. Because of the tangible difference I can make every day, if I am allowed. Because I care more than anyone has ever cared. Because you can make a good herdswoman, but great herdswomen are born that way. Because I learn every day. Because of the cows.
Then..why are you leaving again???
I know, all of the things I have said are making you question my decision, just like I do every single day. I am leaving because things have changed here. I am 29 years old and just cannot continue to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day and still barely pay my bills. That's the truth of the matter. I don't have the luxury of paid days off...or a paid day off. There is a lot I would like to do with this new family of mine, and most of the time I just can't because I am so tired at the end of the day. Just as much as it is not about the money, it is. I don't measure my worth by the number on my paycheck...but someone does. An alarming realization indeed. I am not leaving to prove some sort of point, I am leaving because deep down I know that if I stay things will be the same. Working for family is not for the faint of heart.
I was actually scared to come right out and say this. Probably more-so scared of disappointing people who might think I am just giving up. I tend to worry about disappointing people even when the result makes things harder for me. I have done an abundant amount of praying and talking to God and last weekend he spoke back. Maybe things will be OK. I sure hope so, because this is scary for me.
When I can muster the courage I will convey to you my career destination-which is still with large animals-but for now I am asking for kindness and understanding during this difficult time.