Friday, August 9

The 'Switch'

We have this heifer, and she', how do I say this?  Bat-poo crazy.  Yeah, that's it.
Anyway, this heifer has won an all-expense paid trip, here I am the FDA!  Yeah, sure!
Now, don't get all sad, grumpy cat on me.  She has earned this trip fair and square. 
Back when I began managing the farm, I inquired as to why there was a random heifer hanging out in the bull field?  Hard breeder?  Freemartin?  No, my boss told me that she was "wild".  Pffffftttt, I thought.  She's never met me, I'm the Queen crazy heifer around here! Our relationship has bloomed ever since the first time she ran wildly through the barbed wire fence....for NO reason.  Nottomention she has followers.  Some of the others think she's all cool and want to be just like her.  Not gonna fly girlie.  You see, I have built corrals, carefully constructed traps, jumped like a maniac screaming my head off from behind so many inanimate objects, and for what?  To end up in a head-to-head(literally) stand-off where, the craziest strongest female always comes out the winner.
It's like standing in an alley, alone, sweaty, and deliriously waiting to play chicken with the Mack truck at the other end.
Thetrucksgoingtowin!  I mean, I've got heart all the way down to my toes, but she's got that other thing.  The 'switch'.  The "I don't care if I die, lose an eye, never reproduce OR eat another Sonic onion ring" switch.  I enjoy living...with both eyes...while having the option to reproduce...and drive to Sonic anytime I want.  Maybe I'm just selfish.
This morning I expertly derived a plan.  A GOOD plan!  I had feeders positioned, gates precariously placed, and alllllll the bulls were eagerly chomping away at the delicious grain I offered.  This is going to work, I convinced myself.  While flossy was making her way, VERY cautiously toward her impending doom, I slipped away and tiptoe-ran (you know how you do when your wearing really heavy rubber boots, and they kind of get ahead of you, so you're kinda leaning back trying not to breath for fear of a strange throat-noise coming out? No? Me either...) to the big green tractor beside the fence.  I could feel the excitement welling up inside of me, as I held my breath, as not to be exposed behind the tractor tire I was hiding behind.  (D-r-a-m-a).  I saw her slide into the corral, Now's my chance!  I SPRANG from behind the tire, climbed flawlessly through the fence, and RAN to shut the gate!  She saw me...inmybrightorangeshirt (I'msostupid)....spun around, but before she could take a step there we were...mano y mano.  She was facing me with her front feet spread, and her head almost to the ground...looking for a gap.  I, on the other hand, was wildly waving my hands and screaming HEYYYYY! HEYHEYHEYHEYHEY! HEEEEYYYYYYYY! She went left, so did I.  She went slight right, then left...I matched her pace.  (Basketball playa from JV right hea...oh yeah).  Then she stopped, I screamed cuz I was kinda scared to be honest, and that's when she saw it.  Her freedom.  There's really not much to me, you know, other than talk.  Suffice it to say that my wingspan doesn't really cover a 10-foot gap, hence the waving hellloooo! I saw her intent in her eyes.  She was going to go straight.  Here cheeken, cheeken, cheeken....  I had a thought.  It was brief, I was going to call her bluff.  But my dad paid for a lot of edumacation see, and I figure I'd rather waste it on grammatically incorrect blog posts, thanks.  So, as she dove straight ahead, her aim betwixt my legs, I jumped out of the way.
And now she's eating grass.
The End.

For the record, I'm giving her the next 2 days off to think about her actions, and then we will see if her attitude has changed come Monday.
Until then, if you want to loan me a tranquilizer gun, I can assure you I will return it in mint condition.


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