A few years back, I went through a very dark period in my life. Have you ever heard the saying, "Satan manifests himself in everything you want and desire"? There is nothing closer to the truth. If I could rewind to the time before this dark period, I could safely say that I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know who I was, because all I really wanted was to be somebody else. Somebody different but just like everyone else...you follow? I had no inner voice that I listened to, instead I turned to everyone and everything else to define me. Things defined me. People defined me. When you won't let yourself be yourself you can very easily become lost. And so I was.
It was not until I could fall no further, find a place no darker than the one I was in, that I broke. You know how Law Enforcement is often described as being the, "thin blue line"? People have a thin blue line as well. It's that point where you have to make a choice between sides. You choose between darkness and light. During my breaking, I alienated myself from everyone. The phone scared me. The television was my worst enemy. I did not know where to go, had nowhere to go, so I delved inward. I have always been a thinker, but never felt confident in my skin much less thoughts. The only problem was, when I sat inside and thought I only worried. I only wept. That's when I began walking.
The fields behind my mother and father's home are seemingly never ending. There are hills, valleys, ponds and very few fences. I can remember the first day I went out. No destination, no time constraints, I just knew I needed air. As I walked I pondered until I eventually wore myself out, only to return home and fall fast asleep on my little brother's spare bed. I quickly learned that when I was inside I felt trapped, like I needed someone to be close by to be there and accept me. Every day I would walk the fields, noticing the trees, the directions of the wind, and though no one was with me, I was at peace.
During these walks I retraced footsteps, remembered childhood moments, and thought about how I felt. Deep down inside, behind the locked doors, I pulled out feelings that I hadn't realized were there. My thoughts turned into prayers, and questions that would go unanswered until maybe the next day. I was OK with that, I didn't have plans.
I would be skipping the greatest part if I didn't tell you I became closer to God. Even though I was alone, I could feel Him inside of me. I could feel the broken pieces coming together in a whole new way. With each step a part of me became new again. Sometimes I would just stop and gaze up toward the sky, other times all I could do was kneel. As the wind pushed me forward, so did His courage. The courage He gave me. It was because He believed in me, that I believed in myself. I began to accept myself and all of my faults, and started praying to find my voice.
This blog is so many things to me. It's my place to share pictures of my animals, to tell stories about work, and to be myself. Maybe my posts can get further apart than I like, but I get lost in my head sometimes. I'm a thinker through and through. In a way this is part of my voice. I still walk every day out checking my cattle, fences, grass, etc. But you see, I have to. The time spent out in the field is the closest I ever feel to Him. I can feel the Spirit move me during worship, but I can feel Him walking with me each morning.
As hard as it is for me to talk about certain parts of my life, there is a larger part of me who wants to share these things, hoping someone who needs to walk with Him will find a way. I was broken and He made me even better than before.