...because she's dead.
One thing about me, I don't like bugs. Of any kind. I regularly donate the contents of my garden to birds, rabbits and whatever creature comes along, just because I don't want to come into contact with the crazy insects that tomatoes attract. Will I venture out to harvest a few items when I believe the atmosphere is optimal? Yes. Am I always chased off by some weird black transformer-looking thing with wings? Also, yes. You might be thinking, Rachael, you work outside! How does that work? Alot of internal dialogue, long sighs, holding my breath and I get stung a lot. Boy if I had a dollar for every time I've been stung...
Anyway, it's very important that you know that about me before I tell you what happened this morning. It was about 4:15, I was already finished cleaning the barn and fetching cows, so it was time to grab the front-end loader and do the farm tour, where I take grain to all the groups of heifers scattered about. I was on my 4th stop, Arkies, when I pulled up to the gate and saw a HUGE brown spider on the wooden fence post right above where the chain slips over a nail. Now, that same (I'm assuming) spider was in the SAME exact spot yesterday morning when I got there. Yesterday I did what any normal person would do, and I had a 5-minute debate with myself about options and eventually held my breath while I streeeetched my arm out and slowly slipped the chain off the nail directly beneath the death star. The spider never moved. Whew. I got them fed and went on about my way. So obviously the spider knew I would be there today again and was waiting on me. Harassment at this point. I briefly debated saying goodbye forever to the heifers due to the fact that the spider obviously owns this property now and I'm trespassing but ultimately decided to stand my ground. Standing my ground consisted of sloooowly grabbing my 5-gallon bucket and inching closer to the fence post. Spider still there, hasn't moved or grabbed its bucket. We're doing good. I reared that bucket back and a millisecond before I whacked the post the spider JUMPED. It jumped. It jumped at the speed of light. It jumped and I died. No, it jumped and I screamed maybe peed a little and scared every heifer out of that corral. I look down, is it ON ME????? I CAN'T TELL BECAUSE I'M WEARING CAMOUFLAGE PANTS! Now what 43-year-old mother is wearing camouflage pants? Who am I? Team Realtree? No, a 43-year-old mother who, at a moment of weakness, was influenced by Temu and thought, "now those are some cute pants", well they're not but they are great for wearing in the wee hours of the morning when no one sees me. Except now that I am going to possibly have a medical episode because there may or may not be a spider IN MY POCKET, whoever finds me is going to think this was a hunting accident. You ever see me in camouflage pants? No, you didn't. So, I frantically do something resembling the moves that the 'tube man' you see in front of car dealerships does, and short of disrobing and/or setting everything on fire, I decide that I don't think it's on me.
Covered in goosebumps and a little nauseous I grab my bucket only to find that I have blown a big hole in the side during the whacking. Great. Now there's a leeetle trail of grain everywhere I go. I get the heifers fed and get back in the tractor perched on the edge of the seat, convinced that monster is crawling up my back the whole way to Brooks.
You know what? It's going to be there tomorrow and I have no plan. NO PLAN. I know one thing; I won't be wearing camouflage pants.
And that was my morning. How was yours?
-Rachael























